In this article, we will talk about the etiquettes of marriage and wedding according to Islam. We will provide clean and helpful information about marriage etiquette according to Islam, and we will also talk about the life of Our Prophet Hazrat Muhammad (S.A.W.W.). Let’s explore together…
1. Kindness toward your wife when you wish to enter into her
It is desirable, when one goes into his wife on his wedding night, to show her kindness, such as presenting her with something to drink, etc. This is found in the hadith narrated by Asmaa’ bint Yazid ibn As-Sakan, who said, “I beautified ‘As’ishah for Allaah’s Messenger, then called him to come to see her unveiled. He came, sat next to her, and brought a large cup of milk, from which he drank.
Then he offered it to ‘Aa’ishah, but she lowered her head and felt shy. I scolded her and said to her, “Take from the hand of the Prophet.”
She then took it and drank some. Then the Prophet said to her, “Give some to your companion.”
At that point, I said, “O Messenger of Allah, rather take it yourself and drink, and then give it to me from your hand.” He took it, drank some, and then offered it to me. I sat down and put it on my kness.
Then, I began rotating it and following it with my lips in order that I might hit the spot from which the Prophet had drunk. Then, the Prophet said about some women who were there with me: “Give them some.” But they said, “We don’t want it.” (i.e., we are not hungry). The Prophet said, "Do not combine hunger and fibbing!"
2. Placing Your Hands on Your Wife’s Head and Praying for Her
The husband should, at the time of consummating the marriage with his wife or before that, place his hand on the front part of her head, mention the name of Allah Most High, and pray for Allah’s blessings. As in the statement of the Prophet: "When any of you marries a woman... he should hold her forelock, mention Allah Most High, and pray for His blessings, saying, "O Allah, I ask You for the good in her and the good with which You have created her, and I seek refuge in You from the evil in her and the evil with which You have created her."
3. The Praying of Husband and Wife Together
It is desirable for the husband and wife to pray 2 rakaat together on their wedding night. This has been narrated from the earliest generation of Muslims, as in the following 2 narrations:
First: On the authority of Abu Sa’eed Mawla Abu Asyad, who said: “I got married while I was a slave. I invited a number of the companions of the Prophet; among them were Ibn Mas’ood, Abu Dharr and Hudhaifa. When the prayer was called, Abu Dharr began to step forward when the others said to him: 'No!' He said: 'Is it so?' And they said: 'Yes.' Then, I stepped forward and led the prayer, though I was a slave possessed. They taught me, saying: ‘When your wife comes to you, pray 2 rakaat. Then, ask Allah for the good of that which has come to you, and seek refuge in Him from its evil. Then it is up to you and it is up to your wife.'” [Ibn Abi Shaibah and ‘Abdur-Razzaaq]
Second: On the authority of Shaqeeq, who said: “A man named Abu Hareez came and said: ‘I have married a young girl, and I am afraid that she will despise me.’ ‘Abdullah ibn Mas’ood said to him: “Verily, closeness is from Allaah, and hatred is from Shaitaan, who wishes to make despicable that which Allaah has allowed. So, when your wife comes to you, tell her to pray behind you 2 rakaat.’" In another version of the same story, "'Abdullah went on to say, 'And say, 'O Allah, give Your blessings on me in my wife, and to her in me. O Allah join us together as long as You join us in good and split us apart if You send to us that which is better.'" [Ibn Abi Shaibah and at-Tabaraani and ‘AbdurRazzaaq: Saheeh].
4. What to Say at The Time of Making Love
When a Muslim man is about to enter his wife, he should always say first:
Bismillahi, Allahumma jannibnaa ash-shaitaan, wa jannib ash-shaitaan maa razaqtanna
[In the name of Allah, O Allah, keep us away from the devil, and keep the devil away from that which You may grant us (i.e., offspring).]
About this, the Prophet said: "After that, if Allah decrees that they will have a child, the devil will never be able to harm that child." [al-Bukharee]
[Some Scholars say that children are disobedient to their parents, usually because the parents forget/forgot to say the above duaa before having sex.]
5. How we Should Come to Her
It is allowed for a Muslim man to enter his wife’s vagina from any direction he wishes—from behind or from the front. About this, Allah revealed the following verse:
“Your wives are a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will” [al-Baqarah 2:223]
There are also various hadith on this subject, of which I will give only 2:
On the authority of Jaabir, who said, “The Jews used to say that if a man entered his wife in the vagina but from behind, their child would be cross-eyed! Then Allah revealed the verse: "Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how you will." [al-Baqarah 2:223]. The Prophet said: “From the front or the back, as long as it is in the vagina”. [Al-Bukharee and Muslim]
On the authority of Ibn ‘Abbaas, who said: “The Ansaar, who had been polytheists, lived with the Jews, who were people of the book. The former viewed the latter as being superior to them in knowledge and used to follow their example in many things. The people of the book would only make love to their wives from the side, this being the most modest way for the woman, and the Ansaar had followed their example in that.
These people from the Quraish, on the other hand, used to expose their women in an uncomely manner. They took pleasure in them from the front, from the back, or laid out flat. When the Makkans came to al-Madeenah at the time of the Hijrah, one of them married a woman from among the Ansaar and began doing that with her. She disapproved of it and told him, “We used only to be approached from the side, so do that or stay away from me!” This dispute became very serious until it reached the ears of the Prophet. So Allah revealed the verse: “Your wives are as a tilth unto you, so approach your tilth when or how you will.” [al-Baqarah 2:223] (i.e., from the front, the back, or laid out flat). What is meant here is the entry that produces children.” [Aboo Dawood, al-Haakim, and others: Hasan isnaad and is supported].
6. THE PROHIBITION OF SODOMY
It is forbidden for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her anus. This is understood from the verse quoted above (i.e. since a “planting ground” can only refer to a place where something might grow), and from the narrations cited above. There are also other hadith on the subject, among them:
First: On the authority of Umm Salama, who said: “When the Muhajireen came to Ansaar at al-Madeenah, some of them married women from the Ansaar. The women of the Muhajireen used to lie on their faces (during intercourse), while the women of the Ansaar never did it that way. Then, one of the men of the Muhajireen wanted his wife to do that. She refused until such time as she could ask the Prophet about it. She went to the Prophet but was embarrassed to ask the question, and so Umm Salama asked him. Then the verse was revealed, which says: "Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how you will." [al-Baqarah 2:223]. The Prophet said: “No! (not any way you wish) Except in one opening! (i.e., the vagina)”. [Ahmad, at-Tirmidhee and others : Saheeh]
Second: On the authority of Ibn ‘Abbaas, who said: "'Umar ibn Al-Khattaab came to the Prophet and said: 'O Messenger of Allah, I am destroyed!' The Prophet asked: 'And what has destroyed you, O 'Umar?' 'Umar said: I turned my mount around last night.' (An expression which means he has sexual intercourse with his wife penetrating the vagina while mounting her from the rear.) The Prophet gave him no answer, and when the revelation came, the verse was revealed, which says, "Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how you will." [al-Baqarah 2:223] and the Prophet said, “From the front and from the back, just beware of her anus and her menses.”. [anNasaa’ee in “Ishratun-Nisaa” with Hasan Isnaad, At-Tirmidhee, and others].
Third: On the authority of Khuzaima ibn Thaabit, who said: “A man asked the Prophet about entering women in the rear, or the entering by a man of his wife in her rear, and the Prophet answered: `Halaal (i.e., permissible).’ When the man turned to leave, the Prophet called him or ordered for him to be called back and said : “What did you say? In which of the 2 openings did you mean? If what you meant was from her rear and in her vagina, then yes. But if what you meant was from her rear and in her anus, then no. Verily Allah is not ashamed of the truth; do not enter your wives in their anuses!” [as-Shaafi, al-Baihaqi and others: Saheeh]
Fourth: “Allaah does not look at one who comes to his wife in her anus.” [an-Nasaa’ee: Hasan isnaad and supported in “al-‘Ishrah”; at-Tirmidhee and Ibn Hibbaan].
Fifth: “Cursed are those who come to their wives in their anuses.” [Aboo Dawood, Ahmad, and others with hasan isnaad and are supported].
Sixth: “Whoever has sexual intercourse with a menstruating woman, or a woman in her anus, or approaches a soothsayer and believes what he is told has disbelieved in that which was revealed to Muhammad.” [Aboo Dawood, at-Tirmidhee and others: Saheeh].
7. MAKING WUDHUU’ BETWEEN 2 ACTS WITH ONE’S WIFE
When a Muslim man has had sexual intercourse with his wife in the legal manner and then wishes to return another time, he should first perform wudhuu’, based on the statement of the Prophet: “When one of you comes to his wife and then wishes to return another time, let him perform wudhuu’ between the 2 times (in another version, the same wudhuu’ which he performs for prayer), for verily, it will invigorate his return.” [Muslim, Ibn Abi Shaibah, and others].
8. BATHINGIS PREFERABLE
Bathing, however, is preferable to merely making wudhuu’ in such situations. Abu Raafi’ narrates: "That the Prophet made the rounds of all his wives one night, bathing in the house of each one. He (i.e. the narrator) asked the Prophet: "Couldn't you have just bathed once (i.e. at the end)?” The Prophet answered, “This way is purer, cleaner, and better.” [Aboo Daawood, an-Nasaa’ee: Hasan in “al-‘Ishrah”, and others].
9. THE BATHINGOF HUSBAND AND WIFE TOGETHER
It is permissible for the husband and wife to bathe together in the same place even though he sees her private parts, and she sees his. This is established by a number of authentic hadith, among them:
On the authority of ‘Aa’ishah (radiallahu anha), who said, “I used to bathe with the Prophet from a single container of water that was placed between us such that our hands collided inside it. He used to race me such that I would say: Leave some for me, leave some for me!' She added:We were in a state of Janaba (i.e. the state of having slept together).'” [Al-Bukharee and Muslim].
On the authority of Mu’aawiya ibn Haida, who said: “I said: O Messenger of Allaah, which of our nakedness is allowed, and of which must we beware?' The Prophet answered, "Guard your nakedness excpet from your wife or those whom your right hand possesses." (So it is permissible for both spouses to look at and touch the body of his or her companion even the private parts). He said:O Messenger of Allah, what about if the relatives live together with each other?’ The Prophet answered : “If you can make sure that no one ever sees your nakedness, then do so.” He said: `O Messenger of Allah, what about when one is alone?’ The Prophet said, “Allah is more deserving of your modesty than are the people”.” [Ahmad, Abu Dawood, at-Tirmidhee, and others: Saheeh].
10. MAKING WUDHUU’ AFTER SEX AND BEFORE SLEEPING
It is best for husband and wife not to sleep after having sex until they first perform wudhuu’. There are various hadith about this, among them:
First: On the authority of ‘Aa’shah who said: “Whenever the Prophet wished to sleep or eat while in a state of Janaba (i.e. after having sex and before bathing), he would wash his private parts and perform wudhuu’ as for prayer.” [Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim].
Second: On the authority of Ibn ‘Umar, who said, “O Messenger of Allah, should we go to sleep in a state of janaba?” The Prophet answered: "Yes, after making wudhuu." [AlBukhaaree and Muslim]. In another version: "Perform wudhuu' and wash your private parts, and then sleep." [Al-Bukhaaree and Muslim]. And, in another version: "Yes, you can perform wudhuu', sleep, and bathe whenever you want." [Muslim and al-Baihaqi]. And, in still another version: "Yes, and perform wudhuu' if you wish." (This last version proves that this wudhuu' is not obligatory.) [Ibn Khuzima and Ibn Hibban: Saheeh].
Third: On the authority of ‘Ammaar ibn Yaasir, the Prophet said: "There are three which the angels will never approach: The corpse of a disbeliever; a man who wears perfume of women; and, one who has had sex until he performs wudhuu'." [Abu Dawood, Ahmad, and others: Hasan].
11. THE RULING OF THIS WUDHUU’
This wudhuu’ is not obligatory but is very highly and definitely commendable. This (i.e., its not being obligatory) is based on the hadith narrated by ‘Umar, in which he asked the Prophet: "Should we go to sleep in a state of janaba?" To which the Prophet answered: "Yes, and perform wudhuu' if you wish." [Ibn Hibbaan: Saheeh]. This is also supported by other hadith, among them a hadith narrated by ‘Aa’ishah who said: "The Prophet used to sleep in a state of janaba without having touched water, until he would get up later and bathe." [Ibn Abi Shaiba, at-Tirmidhee, Abu Daawood, and others: Saheeh].